why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize