no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
