I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize