Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
