I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
