If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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