So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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