The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize