i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
