I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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