: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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