Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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