best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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