Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
And then the night went full on bisexual.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
