Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
