he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i think my cat just said my name.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
