i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
