this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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