I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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