I'm gonna have a badass scar
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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