I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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