He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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