my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
