i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Drunk is a universal language darling
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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