Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
someone threw a dead crab at me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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