I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
