Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize