I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
