and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
