she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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