God gave him joint rollers for hands
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
