look no pants
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
