I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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