i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Of course I have a pirate flag
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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