nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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