i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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