dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
