I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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