its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
