Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
