she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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