Moan for me like Helen Keller
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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