Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
