So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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