I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
