I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
