There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
