Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
