piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
