i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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