Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
