what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
