Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
