i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
