You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
