uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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