Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Randomize
