i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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